Tribute by Claire Appleton at Arthur Hyatt Williams' memorial service
at the Tavistock Clinic:
"Good afternoon. I am here to speak on behalf of Hyatt’s stepdaughters. Although some of us called him Hyatt and some of us, Arthur, these words use his second name, Hyatt.
“Without doldrums, pain, hurt, experiment, stimulation, aggression, tenderness, flatness, excitement, defiance, exaltation, responsibility, concern, love, hate, mood swings, rebellion etc. it would not be adolescence. That is adolescence without normative crises is not adolescence.”
If that was Hyatt’s definition of a normal adolescence set out in an article written for the book “Adolescence – the crises of adjustment”, published in 1975, how do you set about the challenge of a role as stepfather to 4 stepdaughters, traumatised by parental divorce, second marriages, the existence of stepsiblings and the birth of half siblings, and either already teenagers or moving quickly towards this life phase? No doubt Hyatt thought he was well prepared after raising 4 sons, and professionally by then he was Chairman of the Adolescent Department here at the Tavi. But we were adolescent girls – it would take a courageous man to engage with us.
But of course Hyatt was a courageous man and presumably fired up by his love for our respective mothers, he took us on as part of the deal in his subsequent marriages, first to my mother Shiona for myself, Claire, and my sister Alison, and later after her death from breast cancer, to Gianna for Susan and Claudia.
Without setting out consciously to test his professional patience, we have all acknowledged that we gave Hyatt a hard time – none of us made it easy for him, and why would we? He however quite simply won us over by dint of his personality - evidenced by the joint contributions from us to these words today.
His personality, regardless of any professional knowledge, suited itself
to this difficult challenge and so typical of Hyatt, he approached his
new role with a generosity of spirit, sense of humour and compassion.
Slowly but surely with his steady non judgmental understanding, gentle
rebukes, and wise insights into moods and personalities, he managed
to position himself as a stabilising force in our lives. Whatever we
did or said or felt – Hyatt seemed to resemble blotting paper,
taking it on the chin and never letting it affect his relationships
with us. We were unconditionally loved and respected, and so we trusted
and respected him.
Even at the onset of his illness, he demonstrated this stability with
a steady and robustly firm arm for the walk down the aisle with Claudia,
and she has paid tribute to his calming influence in the midst of her
wedding nerves.
A passionate man, Hyatt had a joy for life that was attractive and
infectious, even to teenagers playing it cool.
In 1967 he finished writing a poem with the words, “And lying
down in the long grass, broke the fever of my fears, and I slept to
the lullaby of midges, and awoke like falling in love to the world”.
He managed to convey this enthusiasm for life and boundless energy in
numerous hobbies and interests, but also in his dislikes. Witness his
dislike of London except as a necessary place to work, the uncomplimentary
words about that wonderful TV programme “Top of the Pops”
and the ongoing battle to retune the radio away from radio 1 to radio
4 in our household. For us the message was clear – it was OK to
have strong opinions and not follow the crowd or submit to peer pressure.
Hyatt also had a passionate belief in people, whatever age, gender
or situation, unless he felt you were acting a part or being trite –
he looked for something positive and honest with which to connect and
engage, happy to learn. He retained his perceptive ability to weigh
people up right until the end and he supported us all in the belief
that we would “get there” however long the time and whatever
the problems along the way (presumably “there” meant a mature
and responsible adult life).
He showed great courage and generosity in bereavement - helping my sister
and I manage a way through life as very young adults after our mother’s
death.
The man and his personality were always likely to leave a legacy of strong memories
Our memories of household life with Hyatt include his breezy bustling around the house, the loud stomp of feet on the basement stairs signalling the exit of the final patient of the day and therefore suppertime, the tuneless whistling often half under his breath, his very relaxed approach to household order and tidiness, his joy in sourcing, and eating, ice cream, early morning rises and the inclusion of us in his knowledge and passion for wine particularly trips to Majestic Wine warehouses
Then there were the weekends spent out of London, where he would spend hours cheerfully rotavating and tending his garden, followed by the smell and sight of a car filled with vegetables on the return journey, usually at the expense of passenger comfort, the satisfaction of consuming those vegetables at family meals, arguments about whether it was suitable weather to eat every one of those meals outdoors, his happy absorption (whilst whistling tunelessly) in converting lovingly grown plums and apples into jams and purees.
A man of nature away from the garden too, we well recall the “route march” speed and quality of his walking style and the twinkle in his eye as we endeavoured to catch him up, his delight in nature and his refusal to give up on trying to teach us the names of butterflies and wild flowers – knowledge via osmosis or repetition seemed to be his stubborn strategy. He loved his holidays in the Isles of Scilly, where he would also encourage us to push at boundaries, try new things and gain confidence - rock climbing, boating, fishing and shrimping. His sole exception to a love of fauna appears to have been the flies he enthusiastically swatted whilst happily spending time at another holiday home in Italy. He is pictured sitting on a chair in the shade, hat on head and book in hand but eyes closed, someone who knew how to work but knew just as well how to rest.
Professional life intruded as it does for all children of analysts and therapists – dodging patients in hallways, keeping quiet and staying out of view in gardens or at windows – an intuitive skill in measuring time in 50 minute intervals. However the upside for me was boasting to school friends of his many TV appearances – Hyatt’s thoughtful attempt to profile the Yorkshire Ripper during this manhunt was only slightly marred in our household by his choice of socks annoyingly caught by a bored cameraman.
And then there was the endlessly entertaining content of Hyatt’s speech, peppered with effortless quotes from classic literature – “ill met by moonlight; a thing of beauty is a joy for ever; I see a lily on thy brow; it’ll fall out pat as I told you”. When he wasn’t lifting from the works of Shakespeare, Keats, Shelley etc, he was recounting fantastical tales of his army life in India. Did he really negotiate with that tiger and escape unhurt to his tent? Did his fellow officers really have such ridiculous names? But there were also patient and thoughtful conversations about issues troubling us and our trust in his safe pair of ears, however terrible the thought or feeling.
Hyatt was fully engaged in all of our lives and upbringing. He was a very dear and kind stepfather who showed us, for example, it was better to experiment with the adrenaline rush of a stormy cliff top walk than with drugs available through peer groups. He was at his happiest in the open air, and as one of us describes him, a breath of gentle warm evening sunshine in the midst of an age of turmoil and angst for us 4 girls.
To try to summarise the gift Hyatt bequeathed to his stepdaughters, I’d like to finish with part of his poem entitled “Crisis; adolescent and beyond” – (for the ignorant like myself, the word “ecdysis” means a shedding of skin in the animal world)
“Most difficult of all are times of change
Of rapid change when old defences prove
Themselves to be inadequate
While new ways have not yet been established
Thus leaving us quite undefended
A human ecdysis, needed, but leaving us
For some time soft and vulnerable
But strengths within will gather
In those whose courage and whose hopes
Give sustenance through doubts to wholeness
And so ensure survival of the self."